


Learning from Missed Steaks

by queien



Series: Amberlical Cords [4]
Category: Chronicles of Amber - Roger Zelazny
Genre: AU, Crack, Dominatrix, F/M, Gen, Incest Mention, It's after the Patternfall War yet somehow everyone's still alive!, Mpreg, Offensive vegan stereotypes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 06:03:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6841852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queien/pseuds/queien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bleys decides to introduce his siblings to the girl in shadow he's seeing but soon realizes the error he's made.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Learning from Missed Steaks

“Corwin told me I can't do anything that would sabotage the health of a mortal man,” Bleys said, seated between Brand and Fiona as he ate the latest meal Fiona had fetched him. “Does that mean I can't have sex?”

“Well, I don't think you're far enough along for there to be any complica-” Fiona stopped midsentence. “Wait. Why do you think sex would harm a mortal man?”

“I've got a girl out in shadow,” Bleys said. “She's a bit - er, well, ‘rough’ might be an understatement.”

“I didn't even realize you were seeing anyone,” Fiona commented. 

“I'm not seeing her in the dating sense,” Bleys said. “I just pay her to hit me a few times. We don't even have sex in any traditional meaning of the word. I just usually get off on it.”

“That was maybe too much information, Bleys,” Fiona muttered. “But now you have me curious. I think I'd like to meet the woman who can bring you back for seconds.”

Bleys grinned. “Now that you mention it, I think it might be interesting to bring her to Amber.”

*****

“This is Sylvia,” Bleys said, gesturing to the woman who stood next to him. She crossed her arms and regarded the gathering of Amberites before her with an unimpressed stare. 

Bleys felt someone trumping him, and he answered it. “Yes?”

“We need to talk,” Julian said. He looked slightly pale.

“Alright. There's some time before dinner.”

“Meet me in the library immediately and don't bring her.” He ended the call. Bleys looked up and saw Julian leaving the room.

“As I was saying,” Bleys said after Julian's departure, “this is Silvia. She's my dominatrix. Anyway,” he said, addressing Sylvia, “I guess I'll leave you here to speak with my relatives. I need to take care of something real quick. I'll be back for dinner, though.”

He left, heading to the library. When he arrived, Julian was already there, pacing anxiously.

“Is something wro-”

“Why the hell did you bring her here?” Julian snapped, halting his pacing to glare at Bleys.

“It was Fiona's idea.”

“Well then, how the hell did Fiona find her?”

“She didn't. I did,” Bleys said. “Look, Julian, what exactly is going on? Don't tell me you've had some bad experiences with Sylvia?” 

“Her existence has been a bad experience,” Julian muttered. 

“That seems a bit harsh,” Bleys said.

“What you're doing seems a bit harsh,” Julian shot back. “Again, why bring her here? Is it to punish me?”

“I'm sure she would happily punish you if you asked nicely.”

Julian gave a horrified look and went silent.

“Julian, I'm not sure I understand,” Bleys said. “Fiona was just interested in meeting the girl in shadow I was currently ‘with.’ That's the only reason why she's here, and not because I'm trying to do something against you. I'm not sure the context in which you know her, but I was and still am unaware of it.”

Julian paled further as he looked even more horrified. “Bleys, Sylvia is my daughter.”

“Wait, what?” He stared at his brother in disbelief. “Are you sure?” 

“I haven't had a paternity test run, no,” Julian admitted. “However, I was with her mother for quite some time. It was only after I came back to their shadow after a long return to Amber that I learned of Sylvia's existence, and her strong resemblance to me was all the evidence I needed.”

“Now that you mention it, she does look a bit like you,” Bleys said. “So what do we propose we do?”

“Send her back to where she came from,” Julian said. “This is no place for her.”

“Alright,” Bleys said. “I'll send her home tomorrow.”

Random glanced around the shelf he was hiding behind as his two older brothers left. He couldn't wait to tell his other siblings everything he'd just overheard.

*****

“Are you not hungry?” Bleys asked, looking at Sylvia's plate, which held only a handful of grapes.

Sylvia scowled. “Not particularly,” she said. “The corpses on the table are making my stomach churn.”

Bleys looked around, confused. “What corpses?”

“The ones you and your family are so heartlessly feasting on, of course! How can you not even notice them?”

“Well, it's not like they're human,” Bleys said. “They're just animals.”

“Just animals?” She scrunched up her face in disgust. “They're ‘just animals’ that have emotions, families, and lives of their own. They can feel pain, but your murder them and eat their flesh.”

“It's weird when you say it like that,” Bleys muttered.

“That's just because I'm telling the truth,” Sylvia said. “The truth is uncomfortable.”

“Well, you don't seem to have any qualms about hurting me,” Bleys pointed out.

She grinned. “The only animals I dare harm are men, especially if they pay me.”

Random stood then and tapped a fork against his glass. Bleys was grateful for the interruption in his conversation with Sylvia. “Siblings, I have an announcement,” he said. 

Once Random finished talking, Bleys felt a lot less gratitude. 

*****

Julian shoved Random against the wall in the hallway, clutching the collar of his shirt in a white-knuckled grip.

“Don't hit me; I'm pregnant,” Random pleaded in a mocking tone.

“I don't care,” Julian said through clenched teeth. 

Bleys placed a hand on Julian's shoulder. “Keep in mind he's also our King,” he warned.

Julian growled but let Random go. The sudden release made Random stumble, but he caught himself and nonchalantly fixed his clothes. 

“Why did you do that, Random?” Bleys said. “I'm the laughingstock of the family now – an incestuous pervert who likes getting tied up and beaten by his own niece – and Sylvia's deadset on walking the pattern!”

“I mostly just wanted to see what would happen,” Random said with a shrug. “Anyway, it seemed wrong for Julian to deny his own daughter a chance to walk the pattern. She doesn't have to stay here for long. After all, most of us walk the pattern and vanish once more into shadow.”

“I suppose you're right,” Bleys muttered.

“No, let's hope he's right,” said Julian.

*****  
“So, what do we do with Sylvia?” Random asked, rubbing his temples. 

“I don't know,” Gerard said. “All I know is that I miss having trays of meats laid out on the dining table for dinner, and although funny at first, the ‘I'm an asshole; I wear fur’ stickers she sneaks onto me are no longer quite so amusing.”

“I knew she'd be a hassle the second I saw her,” Julian grumbled. 

“She's been living with you the last few days. How has that been going for you two?” Random asked.

Julian made a face that answered the question, and then he spoke to elaborate. “I took her out to my cabin in Forest Arden, hoping that being closer to nature would help curb her habits,” he said. “She saw my trophies and immediately started crying. She then spent the rest of her first day out there creating a graveyard for my trophies, threatening to cremate them if I dared disturb their rest. The second day, she ran some of my rangers after one of their hunts. She took the bucket of bloody entrails cleaned from the beasts they caught, brought it home, and dumped it upon me when I wasn't paying attention.” 

“Then I repeat,” Random said, “what do we do?”

“I think I have an idea,” Bleys said.

*****

Sylvia nodded in approval. “I'm glad you all finally came around,” she said. “This is the third day of your raw, vegan diet. Don't you all feel so much better?”

The elder Amberites nodded, all fighting down the meal she had prepared especially for them.

“I'm going to leave some recipes for delicious juice cleanses with the cooks,” she said, “as well as some tasty new tofu recipes you can try while I'm away.”

“You're leaving?” Random asked, trying to sound disappointed.

Sylvia nodded. “I want to go through shadow and try to convert as many filthy carnivores as I can,” she explained. “But don't worry; I'll make sure to visit.”

A collective worry settled upon the group.

“Well, have fun in shadow,” Bleys said. “Feel free to take your time in exploring far and wide, and don't forget to visit the shadow you were born in.” 

“Of course,” Sylvia said. “But I'll be back when my new sibling is born. I want to make sure Dad breastfeeds the child and then uses this recipe I found that will help transition the child to a healthy vegan diet as soon as it can eat solid food.”

Julian let out a groan. “This pregnancy is the second biggest regret of my life,” he muttered.

*****

Everyone was there to see Sylvia off the next day, and the celebration after she left lasted long Into the night. 

Fiona caught Bleys as the evening grew late. “At least now you don't have to worry about your unborn child being injured during sex,” she commented.

“Well, until I find someone to replace Sylvia,” he said.

“Just don't bring your new partner to Amber,” she said.

“Oh trust me, I've learned,” he said as he tore another bite from the leg of meat in his hand. “I've definitely learned.”

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea why I see Julian as this angry rage monster in spite of canon repeatedly stating how chill and hard to irritate he is, but I do. If I don't pay attention while writing a fic, he just kinda devolves into the opposite of how he should be, and that's exactly what happened in this fic. ^^;;;
> 
> Also, Sylvia isn't my character. I helped create/develop her, but she's still not my concept.


End file.
